So the topic of the day is the zombie holocaust.  We all know it’s coming, in one shape or another – be it actual walking, brain-eating, reanimated corpses, or biochemical warfare which just outright kills off most of humanity.

Below are some handy tips to make sure that YOU are one of the 5% of the world population that survives.  After all, as the CDC (Centre for Disease Control and Prevention) say:

Get A Kit,    Make A Plan, Be Prepared.

Although very tongue-in-cheek, there is some reality behind the idea that there actually could be a biochemical epidemic.

  1. Make sure you know of a place (easily reachable) that has a water supply and strong walls (preferably metal shutters – no don’t choose the pub);
  2. Start stocking food at the first sign of anything “untoward” (BE the weirdo in Tesco whose trolley is piled high with tinned food stuffs);
  3. Gather as many first aid tools as possible;
  4. Secure your chosen “safe-house” by blocking all windows and doors with heavy furniture (it’s not always the zombies you need to keep out, it’s the London rioters);
  5. FIND A WEAPON – almost anything can be used as a weapon, bits of 6×2, butter knives, garden implements etc;
  6. Know your team-mates (if you have any – I prolly won’t) – they aren’t always friends and won’t hesitate to, what’s the cool way of saying it, oh yeah, “bust a cap in yo’ ass”;
  7. Find a way of communicating to outside help (i.e. flares – not that your average newsagent sells these, big signs spray-painted on building walls), anything that will get noticed by your usual savior chopper flying by;
  8. Find some entertainment – the power will eventually go off so bang goes your Xbox, TV, PS3, Facebook etc;
  9. Stay calm – so your entire family might be zombified and trying to eat your brains, but let’s face it, we always know a friend with an awful lot more brains than us, so stick by them – they’ll get eaten first;
  10. Get a dog – Will Smith would have been f****d in ‘I am Legend’ if it weren’t for Sam.  And if all else fails and you’re starving to death, I hear dog tastes a bit like pheasant.